#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
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Tell me you get it…🤣
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
For the baby who has everything
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus