Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rare photo of two submarines racing

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…