Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.