Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Twitter fine art

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

You deplete me

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

This squirrel eats better than I do

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!