Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …