Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this