Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

yes… yes…

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

In Canada they just call them geese

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

“That’s what” – She

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.