#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Just ordered me some pizza!
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos