Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

Holy shit he’s back

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.