*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
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me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired