Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first you must answer his riddles

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.