Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

my astrological sign is a french fry

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.