Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @