*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
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ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.