*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
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Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”