*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
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I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god