[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Whoops
