Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.