Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

we’re dead?