Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

normalize having existential bread

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want