Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

me logging onto twitter

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice