Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA