*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*