Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

(more comics:

This kinda thing happens to me often

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow