Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it