Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”