*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
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Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.