*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
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Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
A game married people play.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy