*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
You Might Also Like
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan