Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
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“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
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