[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
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[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t
*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
YOU: Please be aware–
ME: I’m not. I never will be. I’ve never even SEEN a “ware”
Sorry about the typos lately you gays.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore