Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
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I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.