@Marlebean

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

You Might Also Like

@AbrasiveGhost

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

@BlindChow

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m‚Äď
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

@BPMbadassmama

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

@donni

YOU: Please be aware–
ME: I’m not. I never will be. I’ve never even SEEN a “ware”

@radtoria

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. ūüôĀ

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

@ddsmidt

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

@jctwritesstuff

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?