Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.