Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
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My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.