Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

me when the borders lift

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

Chemical wingman

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?