Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

nobody’s gonna understand

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

me after eating Cheetos

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.