Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
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[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.