Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Always 🥴
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.