Rude much 😂😂😂
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“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.