Rude much 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I鈥檓 happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like鈥an you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you鈥檙e creative with speed limits
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I鈥檓 good.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I鈥檒l get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??