Rude much 😂😂😂
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Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
