Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

New Tinder profile.

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

Yep.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Storm Tropical Storm

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!