Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
incredible