Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
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The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Ummm 😳
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat