Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.