Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
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FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.