Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
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you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I need to sieze this.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Multitask? I can barely unitask
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.