Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who see nothing wrong with a bite or three of chocolate cake first thing in the morning.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
and now we wait
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”