Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
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*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
A great tip. #CakeRex
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.