“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
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Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.