“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

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Can’t believe I’m still writing “-oslovakian” on all my Czechs.


My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.


Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.


Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.


[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?


If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*


Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.


fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no


Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?


Don’t worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won’t be able to find either