Can’t believe I’m still writing “-oslovakian” on all my Czechs.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
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My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Don’t worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won’t be able to find either