“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
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Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I am also baked goods
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha