Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

I’m going to need a moment here.

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.