ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

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I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on


Me *answers phone*: OH MY GOD, IT’S YOU! I can’t believe it, I missed you so much. I love you, please don’t ever leave me again.

My hairdresser: yeah so about that appointment…


In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.


Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have?

6yo: $60

Me: That’s correct, son.


There’s a giant exploding ball of fire in sky every day, and we’re just supposed to be cool with it? Hell no, I’m not into that at all.


You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.


Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*


[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”


My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.