ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
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“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Cat.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge