@prufrockluvsong

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

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@Coolisiana

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

@Divergentmama

Me *answers phone*: OH MY GOD, IT’S YOU! I can’t believe it, I missed you so much. I love you, please don’t ever leave me again.

My hairdresser: yeah so about that appointment…

@ericsshadow

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have?

6yo: $60

Me: That’s correct, son.

@froghammer

There’s a giant exploding ball of fire in sky every day, and we’re just supposed to be cool with it? Hell no, I’m not into that at all.

@frankzulla

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

@KylePlantEmoji

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

@KeetPotato

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

@Kyle_Lippert

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.