Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.