Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

Customize Your Wedding.

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.