Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone