Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
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“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
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Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
my name if I was in the mob
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I’m calling the cops.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*