Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

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Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope


“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.


9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.


ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.


[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her


I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.


Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.


latin is a dead language because they kept summoning demons by accident during regular conversations


[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high


A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.