Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

want me to check your oil?

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried