Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
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John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
The booster protects against what, now?
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.