Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

about to have the best blueberries of my life

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

2022 be like

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut