Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No