Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
You Might Also Like
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
decorating my apartment
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.