Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
You Might Also Like
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back