ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
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Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
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Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.