Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
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Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
