Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
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I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
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mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
The glory of fall.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.