Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.