Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Breaking news:
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments