ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
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These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
this was very charming
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.